I loved him since I saw him in first time. His eyes are big and bright. I love the way he watches me when he asks me about slim girls in my class. His behave isn’t really good, but I don’t know why I love everything about him.
He has brown skin. Sharp nose and good smells in every time.
The way he smokes, he walks, he laughs, he talks and makes jokes. I love every part of him. The most important and I always miss it is, the way he calls me.
“Carla, where you going? Sit down here with me!! Coffee?”
“Carla!! Where were you yesterday?”
There is something in my heart when I see him. I feel I don’t want to gaze him. I’m afraid he knows me watch him every time he sits in front of that class. I miss his voice every night. I miss everything of him every second in my life.
But the world became so dark when I realized he doesn’t love me. I just realized it!!! Oh my God, he drove me happy, crazy, and also lost in love. He just wants me to help him, to bring a beauty girl from my class to him! He fools me! He doesn’t love me at all.
So why, why do I get endless of sadness every time I love a boy deeply in real? I don’t wanna be a broken-hearted girl. I don’t want! So why… why?
Tomorrow is Eid. I don’t need any new clothes, cakes, and many things usually exist in “Lebaran”.
I always lazy hangout to buy something new for Lebaran. You know it well, H-5, and even H-10, people busy buying clothes and other things for Lebaran. That’s why malls and marts are filled by people. Once I’ve gone there, and I couldn’t walk freely. Couldn’t breath and couldn’t think clearly what would I bought for Eid. If you have a plan for going out and shopping for Eid, just go back to your home and sit down in front of TV or get some newspaper or any else that will make you MUCH better than suffering in the malls and marts.
Today Mom’s going to a mart, near from our house. Of course I don’t wanna join her. I prefer to wash the clothes, pans or dishig and mopping all of the rooms in my house. Yeah, it’s better even if I feel little bit lazy to do it (well, Mom, I’ll do it after I post this one. Promise!).
On July 30, 2011, I wasn’t working and just staying at home with my family. I spent my free day by watching TV, movies, and reading “Out”—a novel by Natsuo Kirino. My sister was only watching TV and many movies. It was her free day too. Because she couldn’t watch it on our DVD player, then she used my laptop. The battery was low and needed to be charged. She asked me that was sinking deeply in kirino’s story. I got the adaptor and plug it. Something was wrong with it. It wasn’t working. No light on it. So tried to unplug and re-plug again. And….. suddenly there was a spark splashing! We were screamed out loud and called Mom.
Mom handled it. It was safe already. I looked at my adaptor. I smelled something bad in it. There was something burned down. I was shocked. Slowly I couldn’t see what did I hold in my hands. All became gloomy slowly. And then I ran and took my pillow, trying to pretend sleeping. I was crying.
Mom called me from kitchen. But I didn’t come. She called again but again I didn’t come. Finally she got angry and called me once again. I came. I said for giving me time 5 mins for crying and cooling down myself. She asked me why and was getting more mad.
“Just give me little time! I will be back and get my normal mood soon,” I said.
“Why are you crying? For what? Why? Because it’s broken?” Mom got angry.
“Yes! Of course!”
“Why so? It’s not a big deal! Don’t be so stupid! I will buy it a new one for you so stop it! Don’t cry! It is not very important and it’s just little problem in your life. Just little Problem!” Mom said.
“Yes, it’s not a big deal… FOR YOU! Not for me! It’s meaningful to me! I bought it by my first payment! So what? It was not a big deal? Yes. It was for you! Just give more time to calm down! Crying is better than break the desk!” I said almost screamed and cried.
“You are still young. Just because this little problem it doesn’t mean you can be upset and mad! Don’t be naïf! I am 50. I have faced so many problems which was more big and complicated than it.” Mom doesn’t understand what I feel. My adaptor is broken! I bought it by my own money!!!!
I went back for lying and tried to sleep. But I couldn’t at all. I cried and cried and cried. Maybe you think it is just a small problem. Just buy it again and it will be solved. So easy for you! Right? But not for me… I bought it by my FIRST PAYMENT. I have collected little more, and bought it by my own money. Not my Mom’s! It was first time. For you it is not special maybe. But It is everything for me.
Just imagine, when you had nothing, all stuffs that you bought are from your parent. You wanted make them—your Mom, Dad or sister or brother to be happy by your own way. What will you do? I chose that way—buy everything I need by my own money. And then I was collecting some money, and it became enough after I got my first payment. Do you know what I thought? I wanna buy adaptor, so that she doesn’t need to spend her money for it. Will use this money, my ‘real’ money. It is maybe just little thing that I can do for her. I can’t buy a house or give her a ring but maybe it will consider her work to be easy. And suddenly… Something that I bought with great effort IS BROKEN NOW. Not working again! What now? Of course I cried. It is normal!! I am not mad but normal!
In the afternoon, I opened my eyes. I was awake. I didn’t think what I did was overreact.
After these all, I consider and realize, what I did was so freak. What’s the meaning of “first payment”? First salary and first thing I bought by my own money? What? I just realized all is small thing. First payment is only “first money that you get”. Means, it is the start of your independent life. From that moment you will work again and get the next payments. Just it. About that lovely adaptor, I have to collect some money again. Start it from zero and maybe someday will become a hero. Haha.
Mom was right. I am still young. Many things will be come soon. Want it or not, we can’t make any deals with God. Mom was right, so many problems that she has faced. She solved it alone. She doesn’t want me, her daughter knows its. That’s my Mom. Strong and wonderful. Whatever the problems come, she will stand and face it. I will be like her. I want to be. Maybe I can’t be perfect like her—almost perfect, no one is perfect in this world, but I am trying.
Well, I am ready to face everything that will be come soon!
Its time to say goodbye. Yes, I thot you would be here until tomorrow, then the day after tomorrow, then next week, next month, next year, finally till the death separate us.
I thot so. Maybe you thot so. I don’t know. But, baby it ain’t my decision. It is yours. You decided it.
Crying? No, I am not. I’m smiling to you rihgt now. Because I have to thank you for every things you’ve done, and we’ve done. I am happy to love you. Happy that I have had you in my life.
I have nothing to say to you,now. It’s just something like a letter. A letter that won’t you read. Never.
It’s time to go now. Oops! I don’t know who’s gone? Me? You? Oh c’mon…. baby it’s ok if you’re gone. I’ll turn back and go home. Alone. Then I will walk slowly with the shadow that seems like you.
And after many steps, I looked toward to you, and saying “goodbye”.
It’s the farewell. Like Bon Jovi’s song, it ain’t a love song. Goodbye.
Failed. i am failed to build a good relation. it was between me and someone. thought he is kind and honest to me. thought he was serious. but i was wrong.
just be careful, friend. it’s life. you have to (real) alive. you wasted your time. you wasted your time.
why so? why men played me? i cant answer. i have no words to explain. just hurt…
really it’s like i want to go away, far far aways from many things. facebook. yahoo msg. wanna change mobile number. and go,go away. but i am alive. have to face it and i know i am strong enough to stay here.
wish him has a great days and never play in life. 🙂 time to say goodbye.
I was going home with Naning, on Monday, May 23. We have bought two tickets of the train, Jakartakota-Bogor. We entered the railway coach that special for women.
The train stopped at a station. Women and men was coming into our train. Suddenly Naning stood up, gave the seat to a woman with a broken leg. She looked so pity, dirty, and.. (sorry) poor. I was sitting beside her. After Naning went down and said goodbye to me, I stood up for giving a seat to other woman. Because I am short, I couldn`t reach the standing passenger handle, so I held the pile, and was standing in front of her (a woman who has a broken leg).
As an information, the trains in Indonesia, haven`t special seats for pregnant women, senior citizen, or physical defect. Some trains still have it, but people use it freely. There is no discipline. All people sit down on the seat which they want to. Free. Who fasts who gets.
“What time is it, kid?” Suddenly she asked me.
“Oh, it`s 2.40 pm, Mam.” I smiled.
“Where do want to go, Mam?” I asked her.
“Bogor. After reach there, still, I have to use public transportation, three cars, then, we have to use Becak.” She said. I looked into her eyes, there was something wrong. I don`t know what was that. Was that a sadness or a doubt? I don`t know.
“Why did you go to Jakarta?” I asked her, and don`t know why, I saw a broken leg with a serious scar.
“I wanted to borrow some money from my brother. You know, two of my children got sick. They are still in hospital now. Typhus. Me, and my husband have no money. I was walking from Singa street (a village in Bogor) to Bogor Train Station. I didn`t think about this pain, even I know how pain this leg, I had to go to get some money. But all is useless. My brother`s child also got sick and now, also still in hospital. He can`t give me money. He gave me just 15000 rupiahs, the cost for going home. It isn`t enough, I know it. Maybe I will ask the driver of public transportation (we call it angkot) to help me go home. Or I will walk by foot again. So bad, but we have no money for buying medicine”. She said. I found a sadness in her eyes. Her sight was blank. No tears, but I could felt her feeling.
You know, while I was listening her, I was thinking and imagining, what if that woman was me, or my mom? I feel sad.
I need money, I am earning money, I am working, I have an economy problem, and my family have it too. But I just knew, there are others who have harder problem, and those are more sad.
Suddenly I remember about the economy problem in Indonesia. There are so many poor peoples that had not been showed yet and I think, press have to show it and remain us, all of us, about this problem. Poverty.
I haven’t been cried since long long time ago. No matter what was the problems, i weren’t crying. And i didn’t want. I hate to cry coz i can’t take a breath, can’t speak well, can’t see what are them in front of me. Cry makes me blind, can’t hear anything… finally, unable to speak. Dumb.
But now i am crying. Yeah, as i told, i can’t speak. I can’t take a breath. I can’t speak, and hard to watch my phone. I am lost.
It is not about boyfriend or friends. It is not about such problems. It is Mom.
I did a mistake which made so many little mistakes. She got angry. We were fighting. She screamed so loudly, and i answered her like a crazy. Told her what was in my mind. Cried out. Nothing has made me cry before. But she did. She does. I cry coz of her many times. Coz angry, coz sad, coz happy. And i am crying, coz i feel something to her. And i love her.
i am so sorry to all of you coz no update on my blog. Uhm.. i am lil bit busy till next month, coz of working and i have to face an exam to enter the university. Other case is i have no balance in my modem 🙂 still poor these days 😀 so, i am so sorry, i cannot write anything. but i keep writing into my note book. I will post all here later. After work, exam and when i have balance.
I miss ur comments. really i miss to write all of my thoughts here 😦 I will be back as soon as possible 🙂 Love y’all 🙂
Tau gak? gue lagi gak mood buat nulis pake bahasa Inggris. Untuk para bule-bule ku tercina, mohon maaf atas ketidak… (eh jangan pake bahasa baku, tar bisa di translate) yah, pokoknya post kali ini gak pake bahasa Inggris dan gak bisa ditranslate 🙂 Dan mungkin gak bermutu juga menurut kalian.
Jadi gini saudara-saudara, gue kan lagi nungguin ujian universitas ya.. Rencananya sih mau di IISIP. Mau ambil jurusan Periklanan atau Jurnalistik. Itu aja gue mau ambil jurnalistik gak boleh sama seseorang. katanya, “kamu bisa survive gak di Jurnalistik?” Lah gue kan jadi speechless. Gue mau jawab apa coba? Masa gue jawab, “ya, saya gak tahu Bu. Tapi saya coba”. Emang sih harusnya gue bilang kayak gitu. Tapi kan… Tapi kan… Ah gak bisa digambarin sih.. Gue sendiri gak tau gimana cara jelasinnya ke Ibu itu dan orang-orang yang maksa gue buat pilih yang bisa gue pilih.
Sekarang gini deh. Gue disuruh ambil subjek yang kira-kira bisa gue ambil. Oke, gue pikirin. Gue putusin buat ambil Jurnalistik. Pas ditanya, dia jawabnya yang kayak di atas : apakah anda dapat bertahan dan mampu memjalani proses belajar jika anda memilih Ilmu Jurnalistik? Lo mikir dong, gue harus ambil apa? Pendidikan Guru TK? Yang buat Paud-paud itu? Aduh, gini ya.. bukan sama sekali karena gue meremehkan jurusan itu. Tapi gue sama sekali bukan orang yang sabaran ngasuh anak kecil. Iya gue suka nemenin ade-ade gue, keponakan-keponakan gue, tapi kan itu gak tiap hari dan seharian. Pokoknya gue gak bisa. Dan emang gue gak minat. Fine, selesai, gue bodo amat dan gue go ahead dong, pasang kaca-mata-kuda. Bodo amat gue mau dibilang apa. Terserah.
Selesai dari perkelitan dalam diri gue tentang itu semua, dateng lagi pertanyaan : kok kenapa gak ambil UI? Katanya mau ambil UI? WOOOOIIII HALLOOOOO… gue tau kemampuan diri gue. Gue gak bisa masuk UI. Iya emang gue pengen banget masuk SASTRA PERANCIS UI, tapi kan… gini ya, pertama, gue bisa aja mati-matian bela-belain UI, les sana sini, belajar non stop, gue bisa kayak gitu. Gapapa, gue maksa. Tapi lo juga liat orang-orang yang dibelakang gue. Buat daftar aja pake duit. Iya kan? Gak mungkin dong tu formulisr gretongan disebar ke seluruh penjuru kota dan desa..? GAK MUNGKIN. Trus, ntar dikocok tempat ujiannya. Ongkos. Terus, penentuan masuk apa gak. Okeh, kalo masuk Thanks God banget tapi buat masuknya gimana? Emang abis ujian langsung bisa masuk tanpa bayar? Macam dewa saja. Kalo gue pake SNMPTN, trus masuk, mungkin bonyok gue bisa ngilik-ngilik biaya. Tapi kan, ih lo sumpah ya! Lo gak ngerti posisinya.
Trus lagi, tadi, gue
dipaksa disuruh ikut SNMPTN dan milih SASTRA PERANCIS UI. Woi!! Lo gila!! Coba liat ada berapa kursi, ada berapa peminat?? Itu susah. Susah untuk masuk Sastra Prancis UI. Mereka bilang gue cepet menyerah. Mungkin. Tapi mereka juga bilang gue men-judge diri gue sendiri bego. Okeh, gue bilang kayak gitu karena gue tau siapa gue, gue tahu perlu berapa kali gue harus ulang baca buku tebel. gue tau harus berapa kali gue ngulang materi di rumah. Gue tau, berapa lama gue bisa bener-bener fokus belajar. Gue tau gue bisanya yang mana dan gak bisanya yang mana. Maka dari itu gue-bahasa kasarnya nyadar diri. Bukan berarti gue nyerah gitu aja. Gue udah coba tahun kemaren hasilnya 350 ribu sia-sia (terlepas dari masalahsekolah). Gue nyadar diri, gue tau posisi gue kayak gimana, dan gue tau kemampuan diri gue sendiri.
Huuff… Lega.. Semuanya udah gue keluarin. Gue harap mereka semua yang
maksa gue dan bilang kayak gitu di atas gak baca ini. Gue gak mau timbul masalah yang lain. Untung mereka gak tau alamat blog gue 😛 Udah cukup, karena masalah gue bukan ini aja. Masih banyak masalah-masalah lain.