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Why Why oh Why

I loved him since I saw him in first time. His eyes are big and bright. I love the way he watches me when he asks me about slim girls in my class. His behave isn’t really good, but I don’t know why I love everything about him.

He has brown skin. Sharp nose and good smells in every time.

The way he smokes, he walks, he laughs, he talks and makes jokes. I love every part of him. The most important and I always miss it is, the way he calls me.

“Carla, where you going? Sit down here with me!! Coffee?”

“Carla!! Where were you yesterday?”

“Carla, Carla!”

There is something in my heart when I see him. I feel I don’t want to gaze him. I’m afraid he knows me watch him every time he sits in front of that class. I miss his voice every night. I miss everything of him every second in my life.

But the world became so dark when I realized he doesn’t love me. I just realized it!!! Oh my God, he drove me happy, crazy, and also lost in love. He just wants me to help him, to bring a beauty girl from my class to him! He fools me! He doesn’t love me at all.

So why, why do I get endless of sadness every time I love a boy deeply in real? I don’t wanna be a broken-hearted girl. I don’t want! So why… why?


Grandma : Tonight I am Missing You


Here I just stuck on this laptop. I am writing anything on my mind. As you know, tomorrow is Eid–well, Eid Mubarak (again), Grandma.

I don’t wanna ask you like before; how are you today? what were you doing there? Are you feeling cold? Not those questions anymore. I don’t wanna ask you so, not because I don’t care of you anymore. No.. But I am so afraid, damn worry if I got a bad news of you. So, let me think that you are always fine there. It’s enough to me.

Grandma, I think I know something about you there as you came to me las night in my dream. You seemed so sad and worry? What was the problem, Grandma? Why didn’t you say to me? Why so? And even after I asked you, You were fading away like the mist. And you gone. I called you many times, but you’ve gone and didn’t come back to me. You don’t know how did I get confused. You were so confusing!

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Eid Mubarak, Fellas!!

Tomorrow is Eid. I don’t need any new clothes, cakes, and many things usually exist in “Lebaran”.

I always lazy hangout to buy something new for Lebaran. You know it well, H-5, and even H-10, people busy buying clothes and other  things for Lebaran. That’s why malls and marts are filled by people. Once I’ve gone there, and I couldn’t walk freely. Couldn’t breath and couldn’t think clearly what would I bought for Eid. If you have a plan for going out and shopping for Eid, just go back to your home and sit down in front of TV or get some newspaper or any else that will make you MUCH better than suffering in the malls and marts.

Join this queue?? waiting in that line for long long time??? NO THANKS! 😀

Today Mom’s going to a mart, near from our house. Of course I don’t wanna join her. I prefer to wash the clothes, pans or dishig and mopping all of the rooms in my house. Yeah, it’s better even if I feel little bit lazy to do it (well, Mom, I’ll do it after I post this one. Promise!).

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I am Mad–Every Time I Look At You

I was listening this song– by Il Divo, and suddenly i felt so lonely. Every lyric and melody drove me mad slowly. Even if I tried to deny that feeling, I couldn’t erase that face from my mind. This song likes engaged him with my heart. He didn’t go until this song ended. Then I started became mad of him.

I know, it’s only me that do love him. But it’s also only him who drove me mad, “every time I look at you”.

I used to think that I was strong
I REALIZE now I was wrong
‘Cause every time I see your face
My mind becomes an empty space
And with you lying next to me
Feels Like I can hardly breathe

I close my eyes
The moment I surrender to you
Let love be blind
Innocent and tenderly true
So lead me through tonight
But please turn out the light
‘Cause I’m lost every time I look at you

And in the morning when you go
Wake me gently so I’ll know
That loving you was not a dream
And whisper softly what it means to be with me
Then every moment we’re apart
Will be a lifetime to my heart

I close my eyes
The moment I surrender to you
Let love be blind
Innocent and tenderly true
So lead me through tonight
But please, please turn out the light
‘Cause I’m lost every time I look at you
Lost. Every time I look at you

You Can Make a Difference

You Can Make a Difference.


I was sitting on my bed. I didn`t know what I was thinking. It was just an empty sight. Was feeling so …. I can`t explain…

Suddenly I heard a song by Backstreet Boys. And it`s telling almost same as my feeling that time. So this is the lyrics.

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Dinstant faces with no place left to go
Without you, within me I can find no rest
Where I`m going is anybody`s guess

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I`m awake but my world is half asleep
I`ve prayed for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I`m going to be, Incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It`s written on your face but you still wonder if we made a big mistake

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I`m awake but my world is half asleep
I`ve prayed for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I`m going to be, Incomplete

I don`t mean to drag it on
But I can`t seem to let you go
I don`t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go….

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I`m awake but my world is half asleep
I`ve prayed for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I`m going to be, Incomplete

-Backstreet Boys-

I Don’t Believe in You

I met so many guys, so many girls. They’re my friends, my family, my enemies, my ex-boyfriends and many more. They’re close to me. I mean, they’re close enough like often to meet-maybe everyday or every week, often to chat and share many things.

While we’re together, there is TRUST within it. When I was talking to my Mom about my little secret that i’ve not told anyone before, it means I trust my Mom that she won’t tell what i said to others. Nobody will know it.

But sometimes there’s no TRUST between us. I still remember how cruel my (one) ex-boyfriend cheated me. Mom didn’t hold me that time, even I cried out loud.

“I know you’re strong enough to face it, Yaya. There are two people in the world. Bad and good. Just wipe your tears and stand up. Find a new guy who really loves you. You are strong, and I know you do” said Mom when I could not hold on my pain.

I thought that was my first time and my last “there’s no trust” words in my life. I was wrong. Someone cheated me and it was more hurt than before.

Someone the most I trusted after Mom, cheated me when I tried my best to help her. Well, after this, I don’t hate her. We are still friends. But she’s just my friendp. Just friend. No trust anymore.

Again, I thought no more cheat. And again, again, again again, I got it AGAIN! I trust him so much. I thought he won’t leave me like this. No, guys. This case ain’t about “cheat”. But he broke my trust. I told him, once I trust, means only once I trust. Don’t ever cheat behind me. Don’t ever broke my trus. I trust him that he will always be here with me.

I was busy with my jobs. Fine, but I keep message him and send offline message. What happened? He said no care from me. Do you think I didn’t care hiw? I tried my best to keep in touch. But he ran.

Well, no trust anymore. No people can be trusted.


Its time to say goodbye. Yes, I thot you would be here until tomorrow, then the day after tomorrow, then next week, next month, next year, finally till the death separate us.

I thot so. Maybe you thot so. I don’t know. But, baby it ain’t my decision. It is yours. You decided it.

Crying? No, I am not. I’m smiling to you rihgt now. Because I have to thank you for every things you’ve done, and we’ve done. I am happy to love you. Happy that I have had you in my life.

I have nothing to say to you,now. It’s just something like a letter. A letter that won’t you read. Never.

It’s time to go now. Oops! I don’t know who’s gone? Me? You? Oh c’mon…. baby it’s ok if you’re gone. I’ll turn back and go home. Alone. Then I will walk slowly with the shadow that seems like you.

And after many steps, I looked toward to you, and saying “goodbye”.

It’s the farewell. Like Bon Jovi’s song, it ain’t a love song. Goodbye.

Failed Again

Failed. i am failed to build a good relation. it was between me and someone. thought he is kind and honest to me. thought he was serious. but i was wrong.

just be careful, friend. it’s life. you have to (real) alive. you wasted your time. you wasted your time.

why so? why men played me? i cant answer. i have no words to explain. just hurt…

really it’s like i want to go away, far far aways from many things. facebook. yahoo msg. wanna change mobile number. and go,go away. but i am alive. have to face it and i know i am strong enough to stay here.

wish him has a great days and never play in life. 🙂 time to say goodbye.

Should We Break Up Because of It?

You know, it’s about “if I were..”, it means about the conditional. Not really me that I’ve done or faced about it. It’s just “what if..”.

Have you ever chatting on cyber ? There are so many applications and website where we can join them and meet so many people in the world. Those applications give us a chance to share photos, videos, gifts, and many more. This is an ease to connect our family or our friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. And, umm sometimes, some people chat about their own privacy.

I did not tell that talk about our privacy on cyber is forbidden and an offence, but i just wanna ask you, is share about sexual not a crime? How about (I am sorry) share our bodies, chat sex, and many more? I do not know how is it happening among teenagers and also adults in the world. I think we cannot share about it on cyber. What if a hacker see that and make it a public exhibition? If I were them, i will not come out from my room and keep in the blanket all days, until people forgot about what i have done on cyber with my bf (example). Lol

But maybe my thought isn’t right for some people. Because i found an article about it. The article says share our private picture or video = legal. Because it is ours. Not for sale and public. Like in India, viewing porn is not a crime. Read the article here. What do you think about Justice Tahilramani’s said?

I’ve asked many people on cyber, some said it’s not the offence. Because “we do not share it to others and it just ours”. Who? His gf and him. Some people said that’s the offence because we aren’t wife and husband yet. Showing body is only to real husband or real wife. That’s why share private pictures and videos = forbidden.

Many couples face this problem. It means, (example) the boy wants to showing private picture each other and doing CS ( I hope you know what is CS), but the girl wants to stop it because she thinks it is wrong. We do not ned to do this with our boyfriends or girlfriends. It is so hard. In the relationship, i think we have to obey God rules, caring each other, sharing each other (means not about pictures and many more things, it is about thought), love each other and protect each other. That means, we do not need to share our privacy area before get married. Am i right or wrong? i think i am right 😀 Then, what is the way out of this little problem? Should we break up?

Myself, i think showing our body on cyber is not right. I believe, God will not allow me to do this. Because i have not husband yet. I can show my privacy only to my real husband, not to my boyfriend. I do not know what is on your mind about it. This is my opinion, without any conclusive about my statement. I am still searching it. I hope i can give y’all the conclusive and someday i will prove that showing our bodies and chat sex is not legal and forbidden.