Blog Archives

Sorry to My Readers

The only I can say to you is SORRY. I know I am not here, writing everything as I did before. It’s because I am so busy at college.

I was so happy in my first day in college because I thought it would be so nice, fun and really I would like it forever. So, I was wrong!! Life in college isn’t always fun, great, and nice at all. There are so many problems and funny moments there. The quiz, tests, discuss, and many more boring things. Includes the boring people and friends!! Hahha!

Okay, those have made me little bit crazy and boring while I was in the class or at college. But, it’s okay. I am trying to be happy even if busy and blah blah blah. I’m gonna take a bath many minutes later and going to college. I am ready for Culture and Sociology class. 🙂

Oh yeah, the point from this post is I feel sorry because I am so busy and cannot write anything here. But don’t worry! I’ll be back 😉

Why Why oh Why

I loved him since I saw him in first time. His eyes are big and bright. I love the way he watches me when he asks me about slim girls in my class. His behave isn’t really good, but I don’t know why I love everything about him.

He has brown skin. Sharp nose and good smells in every time.

The way he smokes, he walks, he laughs, he talks and makes jokes. I love every part of him. The most important and I always miss it is, the way he calls me.

“Carla, where you going? Sit down here with me!! Coffee?”

“Carla!! Where were you yesterday?”

“Carla, Carla!”

There is something in my heart when I see him. I feel I don’t want to gaze him. I’m afraid he knows me watch him every time he sits in front of that class. I miss his voice every night. I miss everything of him every second in my life.

But the world became so dark when I realized he doesn’t love me. I just realized it!!! Oh my God, he drove me happy, crazy, and also lost in love. He just wants me to help him, to bring a beauty girl from my class to him! He fools me! He doesn’t love me at all.

So why, why do I get endless of sadness every time I love a boy deeply in real? I don’t wanna be a broken-hearted girl. I don’t want! So why… why?

Grandma : Tonight I am Missing You

Grandma,

Here I just stuck on this laptop. I am writing anything on my mind. As you know, tomorrow is Eid–well, Eid Mubarak (again), Grandma.

I don’t wanna ask you like before; how are you today? what were you doing there? Are you feeling cold? Not those questions anymore. I don’t wanna ask you so, not because I don’t care of you anymore. No.. But I am so afraid, damn worry if I got a bad news of you. So, let me think that you are always fine there. It’s enough to me.

Grandma, I think I know something about you there as you came to me las night in my dream. You seemed so sad and worry? What was the problem, Grandma? Why didn’t you say to me? Why so? And even after I asked you, You were fading away like the mist. And you gone. I called you many times, but you’ve gone and didn’t come back to me. You don’t know how did I get confused. You were so confusing!

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Eid Mubarak, Fellas!!

Tomorrow is Eid. I don’t need any new clothes, cakes, and many things usually exist in “Lebaran”.

I always lazy hangout to buy something new for Lebaran. You know it well, H-5, and even H-10, people busy buying clothes and other  things for Lebaran. That’s why malls and marts are filled by people. Once I’ve gone there, and I couldn’t walk freely. Couldn’t breath and couldn’t think clearly what would I bought for Eid. If you have a plan for going out and shopping for Eid, just go back to your home and sit down in front of TV or get some newspaper or any else that will make you MUCH better than suffering in the malls and marts.

Join this queue?? waiting in that line for long long time??? NO THANKS! 😀

Today Mom’s going to a mart, near from our house. Of course I don’t wanna join her. I prefer to wash the clothes, pans or dishig and mopping all of the rooms in my house. Yeah, it’s better even if I feel little bit lazy to do it (well, Mom, I’ll do it after I post this one. Promise!).

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I am Mad–Every Time I Look At You

I was listening this song– by Il Divo, and suddenly i felt so lonely. Every lyric and melody drove me mad slowly. Even if I tried to deny that feeling, I couldn’t erase that face from my mind. This song likes engaged him with my heart. He didn’t go until this song ended. Then I started became mad of him.

I know, it’s only me that do love him. But it’s also only him who drove me mad, “every time I look at you”.

I used to think that I was strong
I REALIZE now I was wrong
‘Cause every time I see your face
My mind becomes an empty space
And with you lying next to me
Feels Like I can hardly breathe

I close my eyes
The moment I surrender to you
Let love be blind
Innocent and tenderly true
So lead me through tonight
But please turn out the light
‘Cause I’m lost every time I look at you

And in the morning when you go
Wake me gently so I’ll know
That loving you was not a dream
And whisper softly what it means to be with me
Then every moment we’re apart
Will be a lifetime to my heart

I close my eyes
The moment I surrender to you
Let love be blind
Innocent and tenderly true
So lead me through tonight
But please, please turn out the light
‘Cause I’m lost every time I look at you
Lost. Every time I look at you

My Laptop Adaptor’s Broken….!!!

On July 30, 2011, I wasn’t working and just staying at home with my family. I spent my free day by watching TV, movies, and reading “Out”—a novel by Natsuo Kirino. My sister was only watching TV and many movies. It was her free day too. Because she couldn’t watch it on our DVD player, then she used my laptop. The battery was low and needed to be charged. She asked me that was sinking deeply in kirino’s story. I got the adaptor and plug it. Something was wrong with it. It wasn’t working. No light on it. So tried to unplug and re-plug again. And….. suddenly there was a spark splashing! We were screamed out loud and called Mom.

Mom handled it. It was safe already. I looked at my adaptor. I smelled something bad in it. There was something burned down. I was shocked. Slowly I couldn’t see what did I hold in my hands. All became gloomy slowly. And then I ran and took my pillow, trying to pretend sleeping. I was crying.

Mom called me from kitchen. But I didn’t come. She called again but again I didn’t come. Finally she got angry and called me once again. I came. I said for giving me time 5 mins for crying and cooling down myself. She asked me why and was getting more mad.

“Just give me little time! I will be back and get my normal mood soon,” I said.

“Why are you crying? For what? Why? Because it’s broken?” Mom got angry.

“Yes! Of course!”

“Why so? It’s not a big deal! Don’t be so stupid! I will buy it a new one for you so stop it! Don’t cry! It is not very important and it’s just little problem in your life. Just little Problem!” Mom said.

“Yes, it’s not a big deal… FOR YOU! Not for me! It’s meaningful to me! I bought it by my first payment! So what? It was not a big deal? Yes. It was for you! Just give more time to calm down! Crying is better than break the desk!” I said almost screamed and cried.

“You are still young. Just because this little problem it doesn’t mean you can be upset and mad! Don’t be naïf! I am 50. I have faced so many problems which was more big and complicated than it.” Mom doesn’t understand what I feel. My adaptor is broken! I bought it by my own money!!!!

I went back for lying and tried to sleep. But I couldn’t at all. I cried and cried and cried. Maybe you think it is just a small problem. Just buy it again and it will be solved. So easy for you! Right? But not for me… I bought it by my FIRST PAYMENT. I have collected little more, and bought it by my own money. Not my Mom’s! It was first time. For you it is not special maybe. But It is everything for me.

Just imagine, when you had nothing, all stuffs that you bought are from your parent. You wanted make them—your Mom, Dad or sister or brother to be happy by your own way. What will you do? I chose that way—buy everything I need by my own money. And then I was collecting some money, and it became enough after I got my first payment. Do you know what I thought? I wanna buy adaptor, so that she doesn’t need to spend her money for it. Will use this money, my ‘real’ money. It is maybe just little thing that I can do for her. I can’t buy a house or give her a ring but maybe it will consider her work to be easy. And suddenly… Something that I bought with great effort IS BROKEN NOW. Not working again! What now? Of course I cried. It is normal!! I am not mad but normal!

In the afternoon, I opened my eyes. I was awake. I didn’t think what I did was overreact.

After these all, I consider and realize, what I did was so freak. What’s the meaning of “first payment”? First salary and first thing I bought by my own money? What? I just realized all is small thing. First payment is only “first money that you get”. Means, it is the start of your independent life. From that moment you will work again and get the next payments. Just it. About that lovely adaptor, I have to collect some money again. Start it from zero and maybe someday will become a hero. Haha.

Mom was right. I am still young. Many things will be come soon. Want it or not, we can’t make any deals with God. Mom was right, so many problems that she has faced. She solved it alone. She doesn’t want me, her daughter knows its. That’s my Mom. Strong and wonderful. Whatever the problems come, she will stand and face it. I will be like her. I want to be. Maybe I can’t be perfect like her—almost perfect, no one is perfect in this world, but I am trying.

Well, I am ready to face everything that will be come soon!

Incomplete

I was sitting on my bed. I didn`t know what I was thinking. It was just an empty sight. Was feeling so …. I can`t explain…

Suddenly I heard a song by Backstreet Boys. And it`s telling almost same as my feeling that time. So this is the lyrics.

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Dinstant faces with no place left to go
Without you, within me I can find no rest
Where I`m going is anybody`s guess

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I`m awake but my world is half asleep
I`ve prayed for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I`m going to be, Incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It`s written on your face but you still wonder if we made a big mistake

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I`m awake but my world is half asleep
I`ve prayed for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I`m going to be, Incomplete

I don`t mean to drag it on
But I can`t seem to let you go
I don`t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go….

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I`m awake but my world is half asleep
I`ve prayed for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I`m going to be, Incomplete
Incomplete

-Backstreet Boys-

Just Because I did It, It doesn’t mean I Like It but I Need It

I was reading a novel, Norwegian Wood, written by Haruki Murakami. Globality, this novel is telling about a man–named Toru Watanabe , that recalled suddenly a woman named Naoko, his first love. It also tells about free sex in his past life. It’s awesome story.

I don’t want to tell about it all. While I was reading it, I fell into this story, like I saw all what he did, and felt what he felt. I saw when he felt down and hurt because Naoko left him and didn’t reply his letters. I could feel what he felt when he was making love in a hotel. In the middle story he tells about many classic novels, and it likes he tells to me in real.

From this story, I got some points in life that we have to learn all things in this world. We need to touch and do in real what we learn. For example, I think it’s ok for doing some bad things, because after do it, I know it’s bad and don’t do it again next time.

You know, you are a human. I am also a human, I need many things even it’s bad as people said. Because I am a human I want to do sex–even I don’t want to do it in real now, I will do later after get married. Because I am a human, I want to do all things and learn it! It’s not about hobby or what, just I need it, we need it. Read some adult stories or try adult chat. I don’t mean this thought is right for you. But I think, as a human, we don’t need to be perfect and be a very very good person. We have to know this world and what we need. It’s true we need love, so I learned something about relationship, and will always learn it. It’s true we need biological needs inmates, that’s why I tried many things about sex. It doesn’t mean I made love with someone, I just watch or read porn. Lol

I just want to say, we are alive and need it. Like Watanabe said, it’s not really nice to do it, but I am straight, I need it.

Blew the Game

Sleepover at one of my friend`s house. We were playing a stupid game, but it was very fun! Because I was the loser (I am sure they who are reading this post are laughing right now) they flushed me. Just like that photo. :S

I Don’t Believe in You

I met so many guys, so many girls. They’re my friends, my family, my enemies, my ex-boyfriends and many more. They’re close to me. I mean, they’re close enough like often to meet-maybe everyday or every week, often to chat and share many things.

While we’re together, there is TRUST within it. When I was talking to my Mom about my little secret that i’ve not told anyone before, it means I trust my Mom that she won’t tell what i said to others. Nobody will know it.

But sometimes there’s no TRUST between us. I still remember how cruel my (one) ex-boyfriend cheated me. Mom didn’t hold me that time, even I cried out loud.

“I know you’re strong enough to face it, Yaya. There are two people in the world. Bad and good. Just wipe your tears and stand up. Find a new guy who really loves you. You are strong, and I know you do” said Mom when I could not hold on my pain.

I thought that was my first time and my last “there’s no trust” words in my life. I was wrong. Someone cheated me and it was more hurt than before.

Someone the most I trusted after Mom, cheated me when I tried my best to help her. Well, after this, I don’t hate her. We are still friends. But she’s just my friendp. Just friend. No trust anymore.

Again, I thought no more cheat. And again, again, again again, I got it AGAIN! I trust him so much. I thought he won’t leave me like this. No, guys. This case ain’t about “cheat”. But he broke my trust. I told him, once I trust, means only once I trust. Don’t ever cheat behind me. Don’t ever broke my trus. I trust him that he will always be here with me.

I was busy with my jobs. Fine, but I keep message him and send offline message. What happened? He said no care from me. Do you think I didn’t care hiw? I tried my best to keep in touch. But he ran.

Well, no trust anymore. No people can be trusted.