The only I can say to you is SORRY. I know I am not here, writing everything as I did before. It’s because I am so busy at college.
I was so happy in my first day in college because I thought it would be so nice, fun and really I would like it forever. So, I was wrong!! Life in college isn’t always fun, great, and nice at all. There are so many problems and funny moments there. The quiz, tests, discuss, and many more boring things. Includes the boring people and friends!! Hahha!
Okay, those have made me little bit crazy and boring while I was in the class or at college. But, it’s okay. I am trying to be happy even if busy and blah blah blah. I’m gonna take a bath many minutes later and going to college. I am ready for Culture and Sociology class. 🙂
Oh yeah, the point from this post is I feel sorry because I am so busy and cannot write anything here. But don’t worry! I’ll be back 😉
I loved him since I saw him in first time. His eyes are big and bright. I love the way he watches me when he asks me about slim girls in my class. His behave isn’t really good, but I don’t know why I love everything about him.
He has brown skin. Sharp nose and good smells in every time.
The way he smokes, he walks, he laughs, he talks and makes jokes. I love every part of him. The most important and I always miss it is, the way he calls me.
“Carla, where you going? Sit down here with me!! Coffee?”
“Carla!! Where were you yesterday?”
There is something in my heart when I see him. I feel I don’t want to gaze him. I’m afraid he knows me watch him every time he sits in front of that class. I miss his voice every night. I miss everything of him every second in my life.
But the world became so dark when I realized he doesn’t love me. I just realized it!!! Oh my God, he drove me happy, crazy, and also lost in love. He just wants me to help him, to bring a beauty girl from my class to him! He fools me! He doesn’t love me at all.
So why, why do I get endless of sadness every time I love a boy deeply in real? I don’t wanna be a broken-hearted girl. I don’t want! So why… why?
On July 30, 2011, I wasn’t working and just staying at home with my family. I spent my free day by watching TV, movies, and reading “Out”—a novel by Natsuo Kirino. My sister was only watching TV and many movies. It was her free day too. Because she couldn’t watch it on our DVD player, then she used my laptop. The battery was low and needed to be charged. She asked me that was sinking deeply in kirino’s story. I got the adaptor and plug it. Something was wrong with it. It wasn’t working. No light on it. So tried to unplug and re-plug again. And….. suddenly there was a spark splashing! We were screamed out loud and called Mom.
Mom handled it. It was safe already. I looked at my adaptor. I smelled something bad in it. There was something burned down. I was shocked. Slowly I couldn’t see what did I hold in my hands. All became gloomy slowly. And then I ran and took my pillow, trying to pretend sleeping. I was crying.
Mom called me from kitchen. But I didn’t come. She called again but again I didn’t come. Finally she got angry and called me once again. I came. I said for giving me time 5 mins for crying and cooling down myself. She asked me why and was getting more mad.
“Just give me little time! I will be back and get my normal mood soon,” I said.
“Why are you crying? For what? Why? Because it’s broken?” Mom got angry.
“Yes! Of course!”
“Why so? It’s not a big deal! Don’t be so stupid! I will buy it a new one for you so stop it! Don’t cry! It is not very important and it’s just little problem in your life. Just little Problem!” Mom said.
“Yes, it’s not a big deal… FOR YOU! Not for me! It’s meaningful to me! I bought it by my first payment! So what? It was not a big deal? Yes. It was for you! Just give more time to calm down! Crying is better than break the desk!” I said almost screamed and cried.
“You are still young. Just because this little problem it doesn’t mean you can be upset and mad! Don’t be naïf! I am 50. I have faced so many problems which was more big and complicated than it.” Mom doesn’t understand what I feel. My adaptor is broken! I bought it by my own money!!!!
I went back for lying and tried to sleep. But I couldn’t at all. I cried and cried and cried. Maybe you think it is just a small problem. Just buy it again and it will be solved. So easy for you! Right? But not for me… I bought it by my FIRST PAYMENT. I have collected little more, and bought it by my own money. Not my Mom’s! It was first time. For you it is not special maybe. But It is everything for me.
Just imagine, when you had nothing, all stuffs that you bought are from your parent. You wanted make them—your Mom, Dad or sister or brother to be happy by your own way. What will you do? I chose that way—buy everything I need by my own money. And then I was collecting some money, and it became enough after I got my first payment. Do you know what I thought? I wanna buy adaptor, so that she doesn’t need to spend her money for it. Will use this money, my ‘real’ money. It is maybe just little thing that I can do for her. I can’t buy a house or give her a ring but maybe it will consider her work to be easy. And suddenly… Something that I bought with great effort IS BROKEN NOW. Not working again! What now? Of course I cried. It is normal!! I am not mad but normal!
In the afternoon, I opened my eyes. I was awake. I didn’t think what I did was overreact.
After these all, I consider and realize, what I did was so freak. What’s the meaning of “first payment”? First salary and first thing I bought by my own money? What? I just realized all is small thing. First payment is only “first money that you get”. Means, it is the start of your independent life. From that moment you will work again and get the next payments. Just it. About that lovely adaptor, I have to collect some money again. Start it from zero and maybe someday will become a hero. Haha.
Mom was right. I am still young. Many things will be come soon. Want it or not, we can’t make any deals with God. Mom was right, so many problems that she has faced. She solved it alone. She doesn’t want me, her daughter knows its. That’s my Mom. Strong and wonderful. Whatever the problems come, she will stand and face it. I will be like her. I want to be. Maybe I can’t be perfect like her—almost perfect, no one is perfect in this world, but I am trying.
Well, I am ready to face everything that will be come soon!
I was reading a novel, Norwegian Wood, written by Haruki Murakami. Globality, this novel is telling about a man–named Toru Watanabe , that recalled suddenly a woman named Naoko, his first love. It also tells about free sex in his past life. It’s awesome story.
I don’t want to tell about it all. While I was reading it, I fell into this story, like I saw all what he did, and felt what he felt. I saw when he felt down and hurt because Naoko left him and didn’t reply his letters. I could feel what he felt when he was making love in a hotel. In the middle story he tells about many classic novels, and it likes he tells to me in real.
From this story, I got some points in life that we have to learn all things in this world. We need to touch and do in real what we learn. For example, I think it’s ok for doing some bad things, because after do it, I know it’s bad and don’t do it again next time.
You know, you are a human. I am also a human, I need many things even it’s bad as people said. Because I am a human I want to do sex–even I don’t want to do it in real now, I will do later after get married. Because I am a human, I want to do all things and learn it! It’s not about hobby or what, just I need it, we need it. Read some adult stories or try adult chat. I don’t mean this thought is right for you. But I think, as a human, we don’t need to be perfect and be a very very good person. We have to know this world and what we need. It’s true we need love, so I learned something about relationship, and will always learn it. It’s true we need biological needs inmates, that’s why I tried many things about sex. It doesn’t mean I made love with someone, I just watch or read porn. Lol
I just want to say, we are alive and need it. Like Watanabe said, it’s not really nice to do it, but I am straight, I need it.
Senja tiba pada waktunya
Merambat dan merayap seiring bergulirnya surya
Dahina merentangkan selendangnya di angkasa,
mengahiri tarian, meninggalkan kesunyian
Tak ada riuh tepuk tangan, tak ada sorak-sorakan
Dahina pulang dan senja datang,
tanpa lambaian dan rankai bunga “selamat datang”
Pulang dari atau datang pada dunia,
tetap berbatas pada waktunya…
I was going home with Naning, on Monday, May 23. We have bought two tickets of the train, Jakartakota-Bogor. We entered the railway coach that special for women.
The train stopped at a station. Women and men was coming into our train. Suddenly Naning stood up, gave the seat to a woman with a broken leg. She looked so pity, dirty, and.. (sorry) poor. I was sitting beside her. After Naning went down and said goodbye to me, I stood up for giving a seat to other woman. Because I am short, I couldn`t reach the standing passenger handle, so I held the pile, and was standing in front of her (a woman who has a broken leg).
As an information, the trains in Indonesia, haven`t special seats for pregnant women, senior citizen, or physical defect. Some trains still have it, but people use it freely. There is no discipline. All people sit down on the seat which they want to. Free. Who fasts who gets.
“What time is it, kid?” Suddenly she asked me.
“Oh, it`s 2.40 pm, Mam.” I smiled.
“Where do want to go, Mam?” I asked her.
“Bogor. After reach there, still, I have to use public transportation, three cars, then, we have to use Becak.” She said. I looked into her eyes, there was something wrong. I don`t know what was that. Was that a sadness or a doubt? I don`t know.
“Why did you go to Jakarta?” I asked her, and don`t know why, I saw a broken leg with a serious scar.
“I wanted to borrow some money from my brother. You know, two of my children got sick. They are still in hospital now. Typhus. Me, and my husband have no money. I was walking from Singa street (a village in Bogor) to Bogor Train Station. I didn`t think about this pain, even I know how pain this leg, I had to go to get some money. But all is useless. My brother`s child also got sick and now, also still in hospital. He can`t give me money. He gave me just 15000 rupiahs, the cost for going home. It isn`t enough, I know it. Maybe I will ask the driver of public transportation (we call it angkot) to help me go home. Or I will walk by foot again. So bad, but we have no money for buying medicine”. She said. I found a sadness in her eyes. Her sight was blank. No tears, but I could felt her feeling.
You know, while I was listening her, I was thinking and imagining, what if that woman was me, or my mom? I feel sad.
I need money, I am earning money, I am working, I have an economy problem, and my family have it too. But I just knew, there are others who have harder problem, and those are more sad.
Suddenly I remember about the economy problem in Indonesia. There are so many poor peoples that had not been showed yet and I think, press have to show it and remain us, all of us, about this problem. Poverty.
I used to consider how to find a happiness in my life. i thot i could find it someday or somewhere.
I used to think that i could find out somthing comfortable for me. About the place that i have to stay at. about the persons that i am gonna stay with, and many more.
But i was wrong. Happiness can not be find. it is about how to creat it. and the meaning of my life is, how to make others’ happiness. its between me and family, me and friends, me and others, and … me and God.
No matter how free my lungs are breathing, actually it’s not my lungs. No matter how fast this heart’s beating, actually it’s not my heart. Sometimes I felt beautiful when I was smiling to you, but actually, it’s not me. No matter how deep this love to you, actually it’s not my love. It’s my dream.
I have so many friends, in real, cyber, close friends in real, close friends on cyber, and moreover, enemies in real and also on cyber. We often share about everything; our friends, our days, our pasts, our stories about family and many more. Yes, we share it.
Long long ago.. (haha) I had a problem with my mom. She got a report from someone, I don’t know who told her about it. Briefly, she got angry to me because, that person who had told-just call her Mrs. X- that I have shared to her daughter about MY FAMILY’S PROBLEM. I shocked. Mom was very very angry. First, I have shared my privacy to others. second, that wasn’t just MY OWN PRIVACY, but ALSO FAMILY ‘s OWN. Huff.. confused huh? Me too. Mom was angry. Big angry.
Ok, you must be confused. I know I explained it (above) very bad. Umm.. Ok, I’m gonna try to tell ya the problem. I have shared to my friend. I’ve shared about a problem of my family. I was telling it, blah blah blah, la la la… finished. I didn’t tell her : don’t tell anyone, includes your parent, your bestfriend, your boyfriend. No one. Don’t. Yes, that was my fault. I DIDN’T WARN HER. That was my STUPIDITY. Then, many days went like nothing wrong happened. No problems at school ( I was still in high school), no problem with friends. Nothing wrong. But, one day, mom called me. I came. I sat in front of her. I had no bad feeling. Then mom said blah blah blah, with her eyes that became more big as usual, she spoke very loud. That time, i realized DON’T EVER TELL ABOUT YOUR FAMILY’S PROBLEM. Never.
I was so sad, i felt i was stupid. Very stupid. How could I told her (my friend) about my privacy? Why did she tell it and share what i said to her mom? That was my secret! Yes, I didn’t tell her “don’t tell anyone includes your mom”, but I think, we can’t tell everything to our families. And if I don’t warn, it doesn’t mean you can tell others all or just a part of that problem.
Once again, you cannot tell everything to others, included your parent. (It will be different case if you got a problem, like a guy touched your (sorry) breast, or other harassments. In this case, you have to tell your mom, or sister, or best friend. It will be different case).
I think we have many dreams. At least only one big dream, and I have too. Let’s see one by one.
1. I wanna be a rich girl. Yeah.. Maybe it is so crazy. But, I think, I have to be a rich girl. Why? It doesn’t mean money is everything. I didn’t say that. But, have u ever heard some one said I am happy even I don’t have money. Even I am poor and my husband and I have a wonderful love. I don’t need anything else? Of course you’ve heard about it. I don’t agree with that thought. Yes, money is not everything. But we need it. We live in a real life. Once more, i say, we need it. Okay, love is important but money also important. How can u make a happy family if you had not any money? How? After marriage, maybe you will have a child or maybe children. Then, the question is, how is their school, their food, their clothes, and so many needs more. That’s why I wanna be a rich girl. That’s all for my children’s future, and of course, I owed so many things to my Mom and Dad. One day, I will return to them and make them happy. I promise.
2. I wanna study at France. Especially at Paris-Sorbone University. I have learned Français. But I stopped it before my exam when I was 6th grade. I regret of it. I shouldn’t stop my study 😦 Now, I have to learn it from zero (unfortunately, it’s not about “from zero to hero”). Anyway, nothing too late. I am starting to study well 🙂 Do not worry 😉 I am doing from ZERO TO HERO 😀
3. I want to give half of my payment to my family ( Mom, Dad, sis and bro). But I still need money for my own future. Umm when will it happen?
4. I want to live with my lovely-perfect husband. I didn’t say that I want a perfect man for me. No. No body’s perfect 🙂 You know it. And I am not a perfect match too 😀 I am small, crazy, lazy seem busy (in fact, I make myself so busy coz there is something disturbed me), and I am not pretty. That’s why I know, I will not get a perfect man. But I am sure, a good man, will be a perfect man when he loves all of things on me. Of course he must has one or more good job/s. No, I am not a money-hungry girl 🙂 But it’s a fact 😀 Just admit it. Btw, not only has a good job, but also a faithful lover. I am tired of so many fake lovers. I have a traumatic. I don’t want get it anymore. I don’t want.
5. I wanna make a peaceful house for my parent, after I already get married. The most important is my parent. If I had more money and chance, I will give something useful for my sister and brother. They are my treasures, (plus my future husband and children).
6. I want to make people alive. Means, I can give them a chance for working, or whatever, where they can make their family have a good life, peaceful, and there is no “poor people” anymore. Means, I wanna support some poor people.
First, i have to study hard, then study to Paris, then I will be a rich girl :p then make all good things happen 😀